On A Valentine’s Day

ok so i’m back.

granted, i’ve not so much left as lacked the necessary energy to make a post at least once a week or whatever ungodly schedule i had initially predisposed for myself.  oh well.  i’m here now, and on what a day too.

it’s valentine’s day.

hoo-fucking-ray.

anyhow, valentine’s day is not so bad, and it doesn’t have to be as bad as some folks make it either.

yea it does kind of suck.  it’s a consumerist holiday that focuses on showing someone how much you care about them by spending opulent amounts of money on them in hopes that they won’t abandon you for someone who can spend even more outrageous amounts of money.

it’s kinda draining for the poor, and it’s hell for those who feel unlovable once in a while.

like me.

enough of that negativity, because i know in my bones i’m loved.  i forget sometimes, but you get the idea.

it can be hard for me as a Non-Binary individual to feel like i’ll ever amount to anything from a relationship standpoint, especially because how am i supposed to tout myself in the “REAL WORLD”?

someonce remarked that they didn’t know if they felt attracted to me because how i looked was extremely disparate with how i acted (i was exhibiting masculine behaviors while displaying a feminine physique apparently…but that was not my intention.  such assertions are pretty binarist and we know how i feel about that).  that kinda stung and made me think ‘do other people feel this way about me?’

the short answer is: yes

the long answer is a little more complicated and goes like this: people are very good at making judgments based on appearance that are fairly deceptive after closer examination.  there will always be some dickwad that is going to make a passing judgment about you that might hurt, and it’s out of their ignorance more than anything else.  i am truly sorry, but it is a thing that happens.  through patience and education, some of those that don’t mean harm through their ignorance can become better people and be more respectful.

it doesn’t mean i’ll never tire of those judgments.  i like the idea of not ever being judged negatively because of my looks.  i will always tire of people asking if i’m “a boy OR a girl”, and you can’t stop me.

reeling it all in, this creates a sort of…uneasy thought that i cannot have a stable and thoughtful relationship because of my identity (the fact i have trouble feeling romantic attraction might be a contributing factor but that doesn’t mean i am devoid of the need for intimacy).  some of you might feel the same way.  others of you might not.  it varies from individual to individual.

to those like me, remember that relationships aren’t the be all end all to life and everything.  you’re gonna forget it sometimes, and it’s okay to cry about it every not and then.  pick up the pieces, take a look at them, and ask ‘how can i fix this’ and ‘is there anyone i could ask to help me fix this’.  it’s a lot easier when you go through the hard times with friends.  if you don’t have friends (of at least a friend you trust), then it’s not all hopeless.  venting to yourself through means that do not harm the body can be surprisingly cathartic.  if you are currently employing a more caustic and damaging method, just be careful about it and consider what could go wrong.  don’t beat yourself up about it, because that could make the damage worse.  we all go through our own stuff at our own pace.  that includes coping mechanisms.

anyhow, to those that have valentines: you’re damn lucky.  they likely won’t leave you because you couldn’t afford a 20 dollar bouquet of roses.  the 5 dollar chocolate rose will do just as good.  if you can only afford a dollar candy or a cheap stuffed animal, that’s fine too.  knowing someone cares about them is enough.

don’t be afraid to treat yourself either.  sometimes you are the best valentine for yourself. if you want to discuss valentine related things, don’t be afraid to hit me up.  my wordpress username is the same as my tumblr username and my skype username so you can talk to me.  i’m not scary.  i might just appreciate it.

with care and appreciation,

Vynne, the Enraged Enby.

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Killing the Name

Okay so this isn’t like some high and mighty all drastic like article or rant or any of the sort; I’m just talking about something that may or may not be near and dear to enby hearts the world over: killing ones name.  To kill a name is to stop using it in preference to a new one; the old name is thus dead.  You killed it.  It’s a dead name, hence the very repetitive term “dead-name”.  Dead-names explicitly refer to the birth name of an individual, and these are the names we are taking to the slaughter so to speak.  Killing the birth name seems to be a sort of right of passage amongst the “Binary” Trans™ crowd.  What do you do when you are a Non-Binary Trans™ individual?  That’s what I’m getting on about here.

As some of you splendiferous peoples likely surmised, Violet is not my birth-name.  No, mother mine would not have named any of her children, even the cisgender daughter, such a moniker.  Does this mean my birth-name (not mentioned for privacy’s sake) is dead?

Not in the explicit sense, nor does it even have to be.

The birth-name in question is still alive as fuck, more because it has uses in my school and my social inability to kill it near my family.  Does this make me any less of a Trans™ individual because I can’t kill my name right now?

Nope.

Still Trans.

So are you, if you just happen to be Trans™ and haven’t bothered to kill your name.  I mean, you can kill your name if you want.  That’s fine too.

Will one such as yourself, random Trans™ person, be ostracized for not killing your name?

That I’m not sure of, since few people know my True Name (even if it remains to be Violet–you can change them, that’s allowed.  We’ll talk about that later.).  Regardless, it shouldn’t matter what others think.  I know that’s a lofty claim since humans are such impressionable creatures and are heavily influenced by exterior forces.  No pressure, am I right?

Do not doubt your “Transliness” if your birth name is still the one to go by.  If there is anything you can take away from this diatribe, let that be it.  Validation is one step closer to appreciation after all.

Go forth and conquer.

-Vynne, the Enraged Enby

 

 

Friends? What Friends?

Sometimes it can feel difficult when making friends and socializing, especially for a non-binary individual. I personally wouldn’t even think to broach the topic if I weren’t actually at a social event right now feeling so out of place with my colleagues.

Here I am on my phone typing this out.

What a fucking looooooser.

Anyways, it can be avoidable looking like a “loser” and being the sore thumb in the crowd.  Be yourself is sometimes not the best advice depending upon the social climate you may be exposed to. Also, socialization for people with social disorders can be almost impossible but doable.

If I were to give any iota of advice, which is ill-advised of me, it would be to seek out people with common interests and talk with them.

They don’t have to be nb, but if you feel that would help the process, seek out an nb buddy.

For those that feel socialization too much,  confer with the one-true-friend© and seek counsel.  If you don’t have a one-true-friend©, then maybe confer with yourself on this matter on how you’d acquire one.  I myself do this when nobody can or will listen.  It’s as normal as the world is blue.

If you think this is shitty advice, then go right ahead.  I’m terrible at the friend-making process.  Why are you asking me?  If you also seek an nb buddy, it’s not hard to find my personal blog.

Be well and safe,

Vynne, the Enraged Enby

A notation on the concept of Passing®

It’s a very much discussed topic: just how “passing®” am I really? (The “I” in question being any specific non-binary individual with the question in their mind.) It pops up as a footnote in my psyche quite a bit.  I have made the arduous efforts of passing as an amab nb, and some of that shit gets tedious.  Like the need to eliminate the facial hair (which isn’t necessary at all) or the fucking tucking (which ALSO isn’t necessary either), these are the things I have and attempted to do.  There is a certain pain in the need to pass® that just makes the effort all the more uncomfortable.  I cannot begin to go through the motions of the afab or the intersex nb individual, so I will not presume to do so; for the sake of all, I will make this as inclusive as a flawed person can.  We, as people under the Trans™ umbrella, face the society’s pressure to pass as one way or another.  I feel this quite the binarist view on the forefront, and we are anything but binary.  There are times where I want to emphasize my more feminine qualities in existence and other times where I wouldn’t necessary say I’m highlighting masculine features, but I am just performing myself as I wish to be.

Passing® is not at all a requirement to be either Trans™   or Non-Binary.

Not at all.

Not even a little bit.

If one physically has trouble tucking or cannot tuck due to medical reasons or the lack of want, then they do not have to.  If one cannot bind because the air cannot pass into their lungs and their ribs can buckle, then they do not have to either.  Shaving is optional as well.  ANY method that a Trans™  individual may use to pass as one form or another is NOT A REQUIREMENT.
Sometimes, even I have trouble wearing the cutest skirt I own when I have no compression on my crotch (not meaning to tmi here), but this is likely because of my fear of the general society viewing me as something to be loathed and made fun of.  Many others of us are likely to have this fear.

This is okay.

We must do what we feel is comfortable and only veer off the comfort zones if we give ourselves the REQUIRED CONSENT to do so.

You may Pass® if you want to.

You may just do nothing at all.

You are still valid.

This is the notation on the concept of Passing®.

Take that how you will.

-Vynne, the Enraged Enby