On A Valentine’s Day

ok so i’m back.

granted, i’ve not so much left as lacked the necessary energy to make a post at least once a week or whatever ungodly schedule i had initially predisposed for myself.  oh well.  i’m here now, and on what a day too.

it’s valentine’s day.

hoo-fucking-ray.

anyhow, valentine’s day is not so bad, and it doesn’t have to be as bad as some folks make it either.

yea it does kind of suck.  it’s a consumerist holiday that focuses on showing someone how much you care about them by spending opulent amounts of money on them in hopes that they won’t abandon you for someone who can spend even more outrageous amounts of money.

it’s kinda draining for the poor, and it’s hell for those who feel unlovable once in a while.

like me.

enough of that negativity, because i know in my bones i’m loved.  i forget sometimes, but you get the idea.

it can be hard for me as a Non-Binary individual to feel like i’ll ever amount to anything from a relationship standpoint, especially because how am i supposed to tout myself in the “REAL WORLD”?

someonce remarked that they didn’t know if they felt attracted to me because how i looked was extremely disparate with how i acted (i was exhibiting masculine behaviors while displaying a feminine physique apparently…but that was not my intention.  such assertions are pretty binarist and we know how i feel about that).  that kinda stung and made me think ‘do other people feel this way about me?’

the short answer is: yes

the long answer is a little more complicated and goes like this: people are very good at making judgments based on appearance that are fairly deceptive after closer examination.  there will always be some dickwad that is going to make a passing judgment about you that might hurt, and it’s out of their ignorance more than anything else.  i am truly sorry, but it is a thing that happens.  through patience and education, some of those that don’t mean harm through their ignorance can become better people and be more respectful.

it doesn’t mean i’ll never tire of those judgments.  i like the idea of not ever being judged negatively because of my looks.  i will always tire of people asking if i’m “a boy OR a girl”, and you can’t stop me.

reeling it all in, this creates a sort of…uneasy thought that i cannot have a stable and thoughtful relationship because of my identity (the fact i have trouble feeling romantic attraction might be a contributing factor but that doesn’t mean i am devoid of the need for intimacy).  some of you might feel the same way.  others of you might not.  it varies from individual to individual.

to those like me, remember that relationships aren’t the be all end all to life and everything.  you’re gonna forget it sometimes, and it’s okay to cry about it every not and then.  pick up the pieces, take a look at them, and ask ‘how can i fix this’ and ‘is there anyone i could ask to help me fix this’.  it’s a lot easier when you go through the hard times with friends.  if you don’t have friends (of at least a friend you trust), then it’s not all hopeless.  venting to yourself through means that do not harm the body can be surprisingly cathartic.  if you are currently employing a more caustic and damaging method, just be careful about it and consider what could go wrong.  don’t beat yourself up about it, because that could make the damage worse.  we all go through our own stuff at our own pace.  that includes coping mechanisms.

anyhow, to those that have valentines: you’re damn lucky.  they likely won’t leave you because you couldn’t afford a 20 dollar bouquet of roses.  the 5 dollar chocolate rose will do just as good.  if you can only afford a dollar candy or a cheap stuffed animal, that’s fine too.  knowing someone cares about them is enough.

don’t be afraid to treat yourself either.  sometimes you are the best valentine for yourself. if you want to discuss valentine related things, don’t be afraid to hit me up.  my wordpress username is the same as my tumblr username and my skype username so you can talk to me.  i’m not scary.  i might just appreciate it.

with care and appreciation,

Vynne, the Enraged Enby.

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